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Is it safe to tell you that I'm bi?

 
Helen Thorne | June 21, 2012

Few debates have become more heated in the last 50 years. The Bible's teaching on homosexuality is profoundly counter-cultural and hugely unpopular. But amid the debates are real people. People who are struggling. People who want to be more like Jesus. Today on the blog one person, who wishes to remain anonymous, asks a very personal question to each of us: would it be safe for them to tell us that they're bi-sexual?

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I am a Christian. An evangelical. And committed to pursuing a biblical lifestyle.

I am sexually attracted to both men and women - what some might call bi-sexual. And have been for as long as I can remember.

You don't need to outline the debates on homosexuality and the church - I've been following them all with avid interest for years. You don't need to show me the Bible verses again, I know them better than almost any other in the Scriptures. You don't need to convince me of the need for purity in the face of my battles... But it would be good if you could care for me. Gently support me. Dare I even say love me as I step out of my comfort zone and confide in you. The trouble is, as I've listened to you debate and teach and casually chat about the issues at hand, I've started to wonder if it's safe to talk to you at all. I'm wondering this:

1. Are you willing to listen without judging me?
I don't want to defend my feelings, I want to share them with you and work on them. But I'm scared you'll think me the lowest of the low. The vehemence with which you denounce the behaviour I am inclined to enjoy scares me. I need to know that you're happy to stand alongside me as a brother or sister not look down on me from some fictional moral high-ground.

2. Are you willing to pastor me without assuming I'll fall for you?
Yes, I know it's more complicated. Often in churches men can pastor men and women can pastor women without any thoughts of sexual impropriety creeping in. But life is complicated sometimes. There's no getting away from it. And the chances of me falling for you are actually pretty remote. I'm your sibling in Christ wanting to be more like Jesus. That's what's at the fore-front of my mind.

3. Are you willing to avoid the jokes and jibes?
I'm not deaf. I've heard you mock bi-sexual people. And while I know you wouldn't have made those jokes if you'd known about my struggles, it's an inescapable fact that the words did come out of your mouth. I'm not indecisive. Nor am I hedging my bets. Nor am I just waiting for the right person to come along and change me. You wouldn't treat other pastoral struggles that way, why mine?

4. Are you willing to take other sin as seriously as my sin?
When I stumble and fall into an impure lifestyle I don't expect you to ignore my rebellion or excuse it. I want you to help me change. But it's hard to see you being so strict with those who struggle with homosexual thoughts and so lax with those in the congregation who are using porn or gossipping maliciously. It's hard when you set yourself up as someone who wants others to change but are content to stay the same yourself.

5. Are you willing to welcome my gay friends in church?
There are so many people I'd love to hear the gospel. But they're out. And they're obvious. And I'm scared that they may not find a warm welcome in the congregation. You've no idea how just one condemning look can hurt. Would you greet them with humble kindness and an open home?

6. Are you willing to be my friend?
I don't want to be a pastoral project. I'm a human being. And I need a friend. Someone I can laugh with, cry with, read the BIble with, pray with, eat with, go to the theatre with, be accountable to, relax with. Can that be you? Really, I mean it - CAN that be you? Or shall I just keep quiet, protect you from what lies in my heart and talk to God alone as I struggle to live for him?

6 Comments

Alice

10:33 AM EST on February 1st
What an excellent set of questions. This is the best thing I've read on the whole issue - so refreshing to be reminded that we're not discussing ideas and theology but people. I wonder how much our preaching and idle chat forces people into shame, silence, loneliness and away from Jesus? I really appreciate the writer sharing this and TGBC for posting it.

Anne

10:33 AM EST on February 1st
I do hope that you find a church where everybody accepts you for what you are, a human being and one of God's children. As the sister of someone who is gay, I feel the same way as you about the jokes and comments people make, not realising how hurtful these can be. It is all too easy for people to mock what they don't understand and this includes many who call themselves Christians. Being a Christian, as I see it, is about bringing God's word to people and letting God be the judge, not ourselves. God will always be there for all of us, may other people be there for you aswell.

J

10:33 AM EST on February 1st
while I appreciate the need for Christians to face up to these questions, I must live in a different world.
There's another question I'm ten times as likely to need answered:

"is it safe for me to tell you that I think homosexual practice is wrong for Christians?"

Helen

10:33 AM EST on February 1st
Thank you for the comments and encouragements. J - you make a very relevant point. I'm sure it's true that there is fear among some Christians. It's certainly the case that in some settings it can be hard for biblical truth to get a hearing. And maybe that's something we can look at in a different post. But I hope that even if this post hasn't addressed your burning question, it has given you a glimpse into just how hard it can be for those who struggle. And just how important it is to always model loving, sacrificial, servant-heartedness as truth is proclaimed.

Neo

10:33 AM EST on February 1st
I just found this post via my friend Shawn - https://six11.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/is-it-safe-for-me/. I am a bisexual evangelical myself (but convicted that sex is only for heterosexual marriage), and I'm glad you're bringing up these important issues. Although I'm posting psuedonymously as a result of not being completely "out" to my extended family and colleagues, I am pretty open about my sexuality in the Christian communities I am a part of, such as my church. I've found that, although I've had some of the same fears, people have generally responded well. Those who speak with harsh judgment or inappropriate jokes seem to have a genuine change of heart when they find out about my struggles. There's a myth in the evangelical church that this isn't something real Christians struggle with, and I think that myth is perpetuated by our silence.

Of course, not every Christian community is the same. I've even known a couple people who have lost or been denied employment at Christian institutions for speaking up about their sexuality, despite having both beliefs and conduct that were in line with the institutional policies. So I can't say to throw caution out the window, but given how much better I've found things in my situation than I expected, it might be safer to open up than you think.

I will admit I don't have much experience bringing openly gay people to church. I hope my church would respond well, but I'm sure there are some people who wouldn't. There are a lot of ways things need to improve, but I think conversations like the one started here will help.

BTW, if the original anonymous author or anyone else wants to contact me, you can e-mail neo14142 at gmail dot com.

Betty

10:33 AM EST on February 1st
After reading this article I feel compassion for the many souls who struggle with their sexual identity.... I really do! But, I have to be very honest, I don't know where to put all this confusion and disorder in my brain! It is "outside the box" for me and I truly need a powerful baptism of the Spirit to act out His love. I am in the midst of this challenge personally, as my son has given in to his temptations and has decided that God has made him gay. So now I need to find my new "normal" which is not really normal but somehow I'm supposed to view it as normal ---- it is a head trip, for sure!
For those of you who desire to be loved, embraced, and accepted.... I ask you to be patient with those of us who still think an orange is not an apple, red is red/not blue, and gravity still makes things fall.

I really do love you all!

Helen Thorne

Helen Thorne is Director of Training and Resources at Biblical Counselling UK. She formerly worked with the London City Mission and has written Hope in an Anxious World, Purity Is Possible, Walking with Domestic Abuse Sufferers and 5 Things to Pray for Your City. She attends Dundonald Church in Raynes Park, London.